Finding or Fighting Routine

I thought that without a paying job, I'd have a beautifully structured day, with time blocked out for:

• household projects--shampoo carpets, fix picture nail holes on walls (uh oh, that one leads to repainting living room and hallway), paint baseboards, fix laundry area door, patch walls and repaint daughter's room, etc etc etc.
• career and life evaluation--reflection, thoughtful planning
• create the perfect resume, cover letter, portfolio
• volunteer with my daughter's school and other worthy causes
• menus for the week's meals--budgeted and planned
• exercise daily, walk the stir-crazy pooch even!
• spiritual growth
• write and illustrate that children's book
• start painting again!
• help child be self directed, and self motivated in her morning routine--no more anxiety about getting to school before the bell rings!
• clean out the car--spotless interior
• and so much MORE...

 I can say that I am able to do SOME of those things, not perfectly, not prettily or consistently, but I hit a few high notes now and then.

However, for the most part, being unemployed for me means in reality... It really IS me, not the kid, or the work schedule, that is responsible for my unmanagability. However, it's too painful (and a little unfair to myself, frankly) to stop there. So, when I'm done beating myself for being human, I get to another realization:

It is an ILLUSION that life would be better if I was able to check off each of those expectations and plans, that somehow the accomplishment of those bullet points is the key to happiness. That's just what they are, if I hold my contentment to their achievement--BULLETS.

So then what?

A. It is not in my nature to create and stick to a strict timeline. I have the beginning, and I can meet the deadline, but for me to think that I am failing because the points from A to Z don't look the way my mind things they should is self-defeating. I think of this in relation to parenting. Yes, kids need routines, but does that mean the sort of routines that I THINK they need to be okay? What if our routines are centered around types of experiences together, rather than the clock? (Wondering how I got that point out of the above post? Then apparently you weren't in my brain when I was unloading the dishwasher this morning.)

2. I have no idea what's really in store for me from day to day, and while I can make my plans, I also need to be flexible enough to let go of about 75 percent of what I think I NEED to accomplish, and make sure that some element of helping others gets bumped to the top of list (or I'll go crazy obsessing about what I think I need to be okay). I am scheduling in time each week to help out in my daughter's classroom. I can't believe how much she loves having me show up, even if I'm just sorting papers and filing in the back corner of the room. That is an eye-opener to me.

3. Preparing resumes, cover letters, networking, job searching, company researching, soul searching take WAY more time than I anticipated. Some days I feel I am wasting precious hours on these tasks which might or might not lead to one or two good leads, and then applying for positions that my weary mind tells me I don't have a chance at--up until the moment I get a call back saying I'm in the running, of course. And for the ones I don't get a call back on--well, that's someone else's opportunity to have hope when THEY get that call.

4. I need to give myself permission to turn OFF the What's Next obsession for a day, preferrably a weekday, while my child is in school--to actually take a day (or two hours, if that's all I can handle), taking on ONE of those household projects, or walking that restless dog. I might even actually turn on the TV one of these days (I have yet to do that in 2 months of unemployment). Yes, I know the career transition consultants say I should put about 35 hours per week into the search. Yes, yes, I get that. The problem is that the MENTAL focus on the uncertainty and obsessing about an unseen future need to TURN OFF sometimes; I'm not efficient or emotionally in tune when I'm over stressing myself mentally. And.... I don't need to keep punishing myself for being downsized. Maybe it's okay to take 2 hours once a week and go see the $1 matinee--you mean a movie without a talking animal in it? Wow. Unemployment shouldn't be mental punishment, and think that by not letting myself take advantage of free time when I previously would have been in an office is just that.

And on that note ,I am reminded that it's Saturday... time to unplug, clean the house, and get the kid and dog outside for fresh air and exercise. Maybe watch the kids on the climbing wall at the Y, read a book, take a nap...